Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am Walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 683 of my captivity : My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape... In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.......for now.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Zebra Joke
A zebra dies and goes to heaven.Peter met him at the gates and as thwey were walking in the zebra asks peter "Peter am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
Peer replies "Well I don't know here go ask God."
The zebra goes to gods office and sees if he can ask the question.God says "Of course ask away."
The Zebra asks God "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
And god says "You are who you are."
So the zebra says goodbye and walks back over to peter and peter says "Well what did he say?"
"He said you are who you are."
"I know you are a white zebra with black stripes."
"Why?"
"Because if you were a black zebra with white stripes you would have said you is who you is>"


One day a woman died in a car crash, at heaven St. Peter Says "You can get into heaven but you have to spell one word"
"Which word?" The woman asks.
"Any word you want,"
"Okay, love L-O-V-E"
"Ok, your in. hey, do you mind watching the entrance while I go to the bathroom?"
"Sure, no problem."
After a while a man shows up, its t he womans husband.
"George? is that you? how did you get here?"
"Well I got drunk with some friends and i was going to a womans house and she was drunk and we crashed. I am i really here? in heaven?"
"yes. to get in you must spell one word."
"Which word?"
"Supercalifragilisticexpeladocious"