Why be normal? - Recently Updated Pages

things not to do

Champ585 — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 20:07:06 CST

-Back-flips off the roof

-Throw your bed down the chimney

-call officers ociffers

-punch drug dealers and crime lords

-throw bricks at your ceiling

-make a robot

-call it "blackie"

-listen to eminem

-make fun of the clerk at a gun shop

-tell people you like Osama

-Talk about your love life in great detail

-to the five year old sitting next to you

-play runescape

-get in debt

-make a pinata

-that looks like Honest Abe

-go to www.keriiscool.wetpaint.com

-ever

-jump off your local church onto your truck

-tell people your the pope

-for some reason that's frowned-upon

-not that I've tried

-Throw a chair

-people will end up thinking that you threw it at the teacher

-one kid thought i threw it at him

-1st grade biography

-get appendicitis

-make fun of cops

-throw things at cars

-on the highway

-pretend to be a statue in the opposite sex's locker room

-people don't usually fall for that....

-Have you ever farted and sneezed at the same time?

-it makes a VACUM IN YOUR STOMACH!!

-go off topic

-be prejudice

-go through a drive-thru backwards.

-kick people in the

-shins

-Take a dump, and throw it in a asassins face.

-Make a video about how much sex you have...a day.

-(Zero, usually)

-Become obsessed with Johnny Depp, daydream about Sweeney Todd in class and seductively say, "Oh, Sweeney"

-Especially if you're a guy.

-go outside.

-Well, without clothes, but I forgot about that for a second.

jokes and weird stories

Champ585 — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 12:24:49 CDT

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am Walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 683 of my captivity : My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape... In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.......for now.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Zebra Joke
A zebra dies and goes to heaven.Peter met him at the gates and as thwey were walking in the zebra asks peter "Peter am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
Peer replies "Well I don't know here go ask God."
The zebra goes to gods office and sees if he can ask the question.God says "Of course ask away."
The Zebra asks God "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?"
And god says "You are who you are."
So the zebra says goodbye and walks back over to peter and peter says "Well what did he say?"
"He said you are who you are."
"I know you are a white zebra with black stripes."
"Why?"
"Because if you were a black zebra with white stripes you would have said you is who you is>"

One day a woman died in a car crash, at heaven St. Peter Says "You can get into heaven but you have to spell one word"
"Which word?" The woman asks.
"Any word you want,"
"Okay, love L-O-V-E"
"Ok, your in. hey, do you mind watching the entrance while I go to the bathroom?"
"Sure, no problem."
After a while a man shows up, its t he womans husband.
"George? is that you? how did you get here?"
"Well I got drunk with some friends and i was going to a womans house and she was drunk and we crashed. I am i really here? in heaven?"
"yes. to get in you must spell one word."
"Which word?"
"Supercalifragilisticexpeladocious"

Barats and Bereta

Champ585 — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 12:15:35 CDT

Barats and Bereta are two young aspiring comedians, with a ton of videos sure to make you laugh, how can you not tell people about it? If you want to check it out, it's on the links page. Also, some may not be appropriate for young children, so if your a parent, watch them before you show them to your kids. Be sure to check out "Mother's" "MANtage" and "Cubicle war"

My views on men being sexist

Champ585 — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:34:06 CDT

What the heck is your problem?!? If you hate women for being women, you should just go hang yourself because your never get a fricken girlfriend, and you'll never have a life. Heck, women don't complain because they like to, they do because estrogen, helps strengthen emotion, and we men don't make a lot of little mistakes like women, we make some BIG ones. Really, being sexist is as bad as being racist. You can hate fat people for being fat, but they can PREVENT it! Babies don't go into the womb thinking, "hey, I wanna be a girl" They can't control it you little (word I can't say online)!

Shamelessly plugging in awesome websites

Champ585 — Sat, 10 May 2008 21:03:27 CDT

Click Here to go to the awesomest website ever. Shawn, you better thank me for this.

Click here to go to an okay website with cool games.

Well, my friend made a link to my website so here's one to his. It's alright, but not the best he can do.

Barats and Bereta videos are hilarious, click here to go there.

Introduction to whybenormal

Champ585 — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 12:46:17 CDT

Hi, I'm Champ585. Weclome to my website! Some of it is stories I'm writing, but most of it is just funny stuff! Get in and enjoy! Here are sample pics.

Things not to say to a cop

Champ585 — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 06:40:07 CST

Things Not to say to a Cop Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me!
Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I find my license?
I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer.
You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No doughnut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "Cops?"
Wow, you look like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet you I can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
So, you on the take, or what?
Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
I pay your salary.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.
So uh, you on the take or what?
Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand.
You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
How many doughnuts will it take to get rid of that ticket?
Well officer I have a perfectly good reason to why I was speeding, you see I thought the guy in the trunk was dead, but then he started kicking and screaming, which made me jump, and my pack of illegal drugs fell of my lap, I then bent down to get it when my stolen, unlicensed, gun came out of my shirt, and got lodged between the gas and the brake, forcing me to speed out of control.
Get in, I have Doughnuts.

stuff to do when your bored

Champ585 — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 06:36:45 CST

-Wax the ceiling

-Rearrange political campaign signs

-Sharpen your teeth

-Play Houdini with one of your siblings

-Braid your dog's hair

-Clean and polish your belly button

-Water your dog...see if he grows

-Wash a tree

-Knight yourself

-Name your child Edsel

-Scare Stephen King

-Give your cat a mohawk

-Purr

-Mow your carpet

-Play Pat Boone records backwards

-Vacuum your lawn

-Whine

-Rake your carpet

-Re-elect Richard Nixon

-Critique "Three's Company"

-Listen to a painting

-Play with matches

-Buff your cat

-Race ferrets

-Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange

-Have a formal dinner at White Castle

-Read Homer in the original Greek

-Change your mind

-Change it back

-Learn Greek

-Watch the sun...see if it moves

-Stand on your head

-Stand on someone else's head

-Build a pyramid

-See how long you can stay awake

-See how long you can sleep

-Spit shine your Nikes

-Paint your teeth

-Wear a salad

-Speak with a forked tongue

-Get your dog braces

-Shave a shrub

-Have a proton fight

-Watch a car rust

-Quiver

-Rotate your carpet

-Learn to type...with your toes

-Set up your Christmas tree in April

-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge

-Be someone special

-Mail it to a friend

-Go back to square one

-Factor your social security number

-Take the fifth

-Memorize a series of random numbers

-Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages

-Join the Foreign Legion

-Learn Sanskrit

-Exist...existentially, of course

-Print counterfeit Confederate money

-Kick a cabbage

-Take a picture

-Sandpaper a mushroom

-Put it back

-Play solitaire...for cash

-Abuse your patio furniture

-Run for Pope

-Count to a million...fast

-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock

-Commit seppuku...with a paper knife

-Revert

-Think shallow thoughts

-Sleep on a bed of nails

-Boil ice cream

-DON'T toss and turn

-Run around in squares

-Think of quadruple entendres

-Speak in acronyms

-Have your pillow X-rayed

-Drink straight shots...of water

-Calmly have a nervous breakdown

-Give your goldfish a perm

-Fly a brick

-Play tag...on 35W

-Exorcise a ghost

-Be blue

-Exercise a ghost

-Be red

-But don't be orange

-Paint stripes on a lake

-Ski Kansas

-Sleep in freefall

-Kill a Joule

-Test thin ice...with a pogo stick

-Apply for a unicorn hunting license

-Do a good job

-Crawl

-Invite the Mansons over for dinner

-Paint your windows

-Watch a watch until it stops

-Flash your goldfish

-Paint

-Smile

-Paint a smile

-Flirt with an evergreen

-Rotate your garden...daily

-Shoot a fire hydrant

-Pretend you're blind

-Apologize to it

-Plant a shoe

-Sweat

-Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil

-Turn

-Take your sofa for a walk

-Write a letter to Plato

-Mail it

-Start

-Stop

-Go to a funeral...tell jokes

-Play the piano...with mittens on

-Starch your shoes

-Polish your Calvin's

-Contemplate a cockroach

-Get a dog to chase your car

-Investigate the Czar

-Let him catch it

-Form a political party

-Climb a sidewalk

-Have a political party

-Get diagonal...with a good friend

-Ride a loaf of bread

-Sharpen a carrot

-Interrogate a gerbil

-Annoy yourself

-Get mad at yourself

-Stop speaking to yourself

-Be a side effect

-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley

-Duck

-Redecorate...your garage

-Develop a complex

-Join the Army...be someone simple

-Try harder

-Hit the deck

-Put leg warmers on your furniture

-Cut the deck

-Scheme

-Sit

-Water your family room

-Stay

-Cause a power failure

-Roll over

-Wriggle

-Play dead

-Donate your brother's body to science

-Find a witch

-Ask why

-Burn her

-Regress

-Sleepwalk without sleeping

-Go bow hunting for Toyotas

-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids

-Jump back

-Play to lose

-Scalp a street light

-Have your car painted...plaid

-Read a tomato

-Sharpen your sleeping skills

-Watch a game show...take notes

-Put out a fire

-Interview a cloud

-If you can't find a fire, make one

-Play tiddlywinks...go for blood

-Play basketball...in a minefield

-Crumple

-Translate Shakespeare into English

-Skydive to church

-Cheer up a potato

-Do aerobic exercises...in your head

-Play cards with your swimming pool

-Pinstripe your driveway

-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant

-Harness chipmunk power

-Build a house with ice cubes

-Call London for a cab

-Mug a stop sign

-Change your name...daily

-Go for a walk in your attic

-Challenge your neighbor to a duel

-Try to join Hell's Angels by mail

-Wonder

-Be a square root

-Ask stupid questions

-Weld your car doors shut

-Spew

-Vacation at Three-Mile Island

-Surf Ohio

-Teach your pet rock to play dead

-Go bowling for small game

-Be a monk...for a day

-Wear a sweatband to your wedding

-Staple

-Run away

-Intimidate a piece of chalk

-Abuse the plumbing

-Bend a florescent light

-Bend a brick

-Annoy total strangers

-Don't talk to things

-Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling

-Have your cat bronzed

-Have your gerbil gilded

-Write books about writing books

-Create random equations

-Misspell words

-Tell your feet a joke

-Throw a tomato into a fan

-Sing the ABC song backwards

-Pretend you're a dog

-Dial-a-prayer and argue with it

-Grease the doorknobs

-String up a room

-Stack furniture

-Relive fond memories

-Tie your shoelaces together

-Gargle

-Count your teeth with your tongue

-Decay

-Find your half-life

-Build a house out of toothpicks

-Howl

-Wear a lampshade on your head

-Memorize the dictionary

-Stomp grapes in the bathtub

-Find a bug and chase it

-Make yourself a pair of wings

-Be immobile

-Dance 'til you drop

-Check under chairs for chewing gum

-Squish a loaf of bread

-Moo

-Bounce a potato

-Out maneuver your shadow

-Climb the walls

-Appreciate everything

-Challenge yourself to a duel

-Believe in Santa Claus

-Let the best man win

-Throw marshmallows against the wall

-Hold an ice cube as long as possible

-Adopt strange mannerisms

-Blow up a balloon until it pops

-Sing soft and sweet and clear

-Sing loud and sour and gravely

-Open everything

-Balance a pencil on your nose

-Pour milk in your shoes

-Write graffiti under the rug

-Embarrass yourself

-Grind your teeth

-Chew ice

-Count your belly button

-Sit in a row

-Stack crumbs

-Gesture

-Save your toenail clippings

-Make a pass at your blender

-Punt

-Make up words that start with X

-Make oatmeal in the bathtub

-Search for the Lost Chord

-Chew on a sofa cushion

-Sing a duet

-Balance a pillow on your head

-Hold your breath

-Faint

-Stretch

-Flash your mailman

-Teach your TA English

-Learn to speak Farsi

-Swear in Russian

-Use an eraser until it goes away

-Disassemble your car

-Put it together inside out

-Record your walls

-Interview your feet

-Make a list of your favorite fungi

-Sell formaldehyde

-Make napalm

-Tattoo your dresser

-Watch a bowling ball

-Buy some diapers

-Eat everything

-Begin

-Pour milk in the sink

-Make cottage cheese

-Tie-dye your sheets

-Hold your earlobes

-Carpet your ceiling

-Fold your earlobes

-Flap

-Squawk

-Read tea leaves

-Analyze the Koran

-Be Buddha

-Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize

-Plug in the cat

-Turn on everything

-Drop pebbles down the chimney

-Turn off your neighbor

-Kill a plant

-Buy a 1931 Almanac

-Memorize the weather section

-Think lewd thoughts about yourself

-Peel grapes

-Make paper from the skins

-Send chills down your spine

-Blow bubbles

-Bloat

-Catch them with your radiator

-Get run over by a train of thought

-Make up famous sayings

-Bite your pinkie

-File your teeth

-Design a better toilet seat

-Shred a newspaper

-Scratch

-Have a headache

-Sniff

-Hatch an egg

-Play air guitar

-Spill

-Act profound

-Spell

-Stare

-Truncate

-Slouch

-Develop hearing problems

-Put your feet behind your head

-Tie bows in everything

-Hold your hand

-Watch the minute hand move

-Grow your fingernails

-Pretend you're a telephone

-Radiate

-Ring

-Skip

-Play hopscotch...with real scotch

-Clock the velocity of your REMs

-Put your shoes on the opposite feet

-Cross your toes

-Roll your tongue

-Crystallize

-Baby oil the floor

-Hide

-Attack innocent bunnies

-Declare war

-Destroy a tree

-Hide the scrabble bag

-Seduce your stick shift

-Wink

-Memorize the periodic table

-Mummify

-Pretend you're a roadie

-Buy a Ginsu knife

-Collect electrons

-Correct typos that aren't there

-Polish your neck...use Pledge

-Repeat

-Ad lib

-Fade

-Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car

-Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet

-Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes

-Unscrew all the light bulbs and rearrange the furniture

-Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending

-Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")

-Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother

-Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong

-Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail

-Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire

-Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before

-Walk on water...but don't get caught

-Confess to a crime...that didn't happen

-Be in the wrong place at the right time

-Plot the overthrow of your local School Board

-Request covert assistance from the CIA

-Discover the source of the Mississippi

-Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska

-Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes

-Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is

-Drink as much prune juice as you can

-Write a book about your previous life

-Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres

-Jump up and down...on your alarm clock

-Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins

-Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniel's

-Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow

-Drive the speed limit...in your garage

-Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final

-Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna

-Pay off the national debt...with a bad check

-Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people

-Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas

-Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes

-Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster

-See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement

-Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English

-Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good job they're doing...On April 1st

-Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor

-Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them

-Turn your TV picture tube upside down

-Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy

-Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets

-Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks

-Be planar...but don't tell your parents

-Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck

-Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed

-Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed

-Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese

-Debate politics with a fern

-If you lose, stop watering it and try again.

-Increase your territorial holdings by force

-Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat

-Boldly go where no man has gone before

-Be a threat to the American way of life

-Do research into the cause of World War III

-Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life

-Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh

-See how small you can scrunch your face

-Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis

-Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)

-Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation

-Raise professional certified racing turnips

-Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation

-Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U.

-Go to a drive-in movie in a tank

-Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway

-Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first

-Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch

-Send your goldfish to obedience school

-Free the oppressed toasters of America

-Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing

-Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave

-Park your car...with a friend

-Park your car...with a group of friends

-Frame your first statement of bankruptcy

-Place it on the wall of your office

-Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x)

-Contribute to the population problem

-Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign

-Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor

-Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife

-Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway

-Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night

-Play with anything that looks interesting

-Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first

-See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water

-Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work

-Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up

-State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")

-Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design

-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock

-Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like

-See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house

-Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while

-See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green

-Bronze your sister's turtle

-See how long it takes for her to notice

-See what she does when she notices

-Bronze your sister

-Make small talk with a movie

-Bronze your mom

-make sure to water her

Funny vids from youtube

Champ585 — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 13:22:20 CST

There is no abstract available for this page revision.

Funny Pictures

billnye123 — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 09:38:13 CST

I hate this game...

Parkour page

Champ585 — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 18:11:57 CST

annoying things to do in an elevator

Champ585 — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 12:45:47 CST

Act like a dog, growl at people.
Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in..."
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
Ask everyone what they made for their side dish.
Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over.
Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Blow spit balls at the ceiling.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
Blow your nose on your sleeve.
Blow your nose on someone elses sleeve.
Bring a camera, take pictures of everybody in the elevator.
Bring a chair along.
Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong).
Burp, and then say “mmmm...tasty!”
Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.
Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
Clutch your stomach and gasp.
Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
Collect an elevator tax.
Count down from 100,000 out loud.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball!
Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
Eat jello through a straw.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.
Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you.
Have a picnic in the elevator.
Have a seizure.
Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”
Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
Hug yourself.
Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the elevator.
Hum the theme to Jeopardy
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Introduce yourself as Ochenga-Wangaa The great chief and begin telling stories of your native island.
Jump up when the elevator reaches a stop.
Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they want to play.
Lean against the button panel.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
Leave a box between the doors.
Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
Lick gummy bears and stick them to things (the walls, the buttons, the passengers, etc.)
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Make farm noises.
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Make sure the emergency phone is working.
Meow occasionally.
Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Mumble autistically about the possibilities of elevator accidents.
Offer a bite of your fresh tangerine to everyone coming on board.
Offer hitman services.
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
Open a lemonade stand.
Perform the Hamlet soliloquy. When a new passenger enters, start over again.
Pick your nose.
Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.
Play dead.
Play patty--cake with the door.
Play the harmonica.
Pour water on the front of your trousers, so it looks like you have wet yourself, tell everyone who comes in to the elevator, that you had a little accident.
Pray to Bhudda.
Preach about the end of the world.
Pretend to be dead and lie on the elevator floor.
Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
Read a book upside down.
Recite poetry in monotone.
Request for people to watch you Riverdance.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this was glued on the door when I came in.”
Scratch yourself.
Scribble furiously on a notepad while looking at each passenger. When they try to look, hide the pad.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
Shadow box.
Shave.
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
Sing: "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerve's, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, i know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and it goes like this!" to the tune of "camp town lady".....pause.....repeat....continually.
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce “I’ve got new socks on!”
Start a sing-along.
Start reciting "Green Eggs and Ham" and ask people what comes next.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
Tap dance.
Tell everyone about the hidden rooftop penthouse belonging to the mob.
Tell everyone about your love life.
Tell people you can see their aura.
Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two minutes.
Throw a party in the vator!
Try to purchase an article of clothing from the person next to you.
Untie one shoe, then tie the other. Repeat.
Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Wear a basketball jersey. Show everyone your armpit. Works best if you get a good workout and don't use deodorant.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Wear a Santa suit...in June.
Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.
Wear complete SCUBA gear, then offer your buddy hose to the other passengers
When the elevator doors close, bang on them, screaming let me out!
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now... motion sickness!”
When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they’ll open again.”
When the doors close pretend you arm got caught in it.
When the doors open, pretend you did it with your mind.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
When the elevator reaches another passenger’s floor, scream and collapse in front of the door.
When there’s only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you.
While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, “hide it...quick!” then whistle innocently.
Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.

Ways to annoy other drivers

Champ585 — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 13:57:12 CST

After you cut off a vehicle, give a "Thanks-for-letting-me-in" wave and nod to the other driver.
Always save your nose picking for when you're behind the wheel.
Drive closely behind speeding ambulances and fire trucks so you get ahead of everyone who pulls over to let them pass.
Drive with a pen and ATM envelope in your hand and write down everything a moron driver does.
If another driver honks at you, ignore it, continue to do exactly what you are doing, and give him a dirty look.
If another driver is courteous enough to let you in front of him/her, show your appreciation by letting the entire world in front of you, including tractor trailers and construction vehicles.
If for some reason you had to pull over on the shoulder, wait until a car is approaching to pull back onto the road.
If the driver behind you is honking and flashing his headlights because he is in some sort of an emergency rush, do NOT pull over to let him pass.
If you are driving fast, stick one arm out the window, twist your hand back and forth, and pretend to be an airplane as the wind lifts your arm.
If you are on vacation and you see any sort of wildlife, stop in your lane to take a lot of pictures.
If you get lost while driving, the best place to stop and get your bearings is at a green light.
If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.
If you need to stop to ask for directions, wait until there is a car behind you and stop in your lane to block traffic. Try to ask directions from either a 90 year old local, a deaf person, an illegal alien, or a child.
If you see a vehicle getting in your lane directly behind you, hit your brake pedal. The closer the vehicle, the harder you should press.
If you see an emergency vehicle traveling on the opposite side of a concrete divider, stop abruptly.
If your vehicle is capable of spinning its tires on dry roads, take advantage of this. Make as much black smoke as possible.
Keep your brake light blinking by keeping one foot on the brake pedal at all times.
Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.
Make sure you have at least one of the following bumper stickers:
"I may be slow but I'm ahead of you"
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk"
"If you can read this, you're too close"
"I'd rather be skiing"
"I brake for no apparent reason"
On multi-laned roads, always drive at the same speed as the vehicle next to you. Try to "box" in drivers behind you, who are attempting to pass.
Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.
Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles... like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
Use your driving time as an opportunity to have an intimate encounter with your significant other.
When approaching a curve in the road, slow down as if the road is ENDING.
When approaching a yield sign, either accelerate without looking or come to a full and complete stop.
When drivers ahead of you pull over to let emergency vehicles pass, accelerate so that they can not merge back into traffic.
When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.
When driving in a lane that is going to end because of construction, ignore all the "LANE CLOSED - MERGE AHEAD" signs. Then wait until the last second and cut off the other drivers that had the common sense to switch lanes earlier.
When driving in heavy bumper-to-bumper traffic, always drive with at least 10 car lengths in front of you.
When having another vehicle follow you to where ever you are going, and a third car merges between you, drive 5 miles an hour just to make sure that your followers (who are 2 cars behind) can see you.
When picking up a passenger during the early morning or late night, in a residential neighborhood, stop in front of the house and honk the horn. Either a series of long honks or in a melody of a song such as "Shave and a haircut" is appropriate.
When there's traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.
Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.
Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.
While listening to your favorite song, let other drivers on the road know that your listing to your favorite song. The best way to do this is, is to steer the car with your knee, pretend to be holding a pair of drum sticks, and start beating away at the steering wheel and rear-view mirror. While the whole time bobbing your head all over the place.
While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.
Women are encouraged to put on their make-up while driving.
You always have the right of way.
Your car stereo should be blasting music at approximately 900,00 dB.
Change into the fast lane slow down, slower, slower, slower, than stop.
When parked on the side of the road, throw meat at cars.
When a driver in a mad rush honks at you, wink and lick the window (works best if it's they're the same sex as you)

Dark Kingdom "still in consruction"

Champ585 — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 22:50:30 CST

Dark Kingdom

Chapter 1

The Dream

I’m laying on the beach, the tide suddenly goes out. I look into the ocean. A tsunami. Ian is right there, in front of the wave. I run to get him, he holds his hand out, I don’t make it there in time. The currents wash me away. I’m back on the Island. Watching a meteor shower with Krysta, My view zooms in on a meteor. It’s not a meteor. I’m falling, where did the ground go? Krysta is standing on nothing. She’s trying to say something. I can’t hear her. I fall into the ocean deeper, deeper. Suddenly there’s gravity, and I can breathe. Can’t see what I am standing on. I take a step forward, and millions of birds fly off.
I was on a platform in the middle of endless darkness; I walked around the platform when I heard a voice. Power sleeps within you, to unleash one, you must give up another. Then three mini pyramids with flat tops rose up. Each one had a weapon on it, a sword, a shield, and a staff. I walked up to the sword, and the voice spoke again. Power of the warrior, courage to face enemies, the strength to destroy all. Destroy? Oh yeah, that’s me! I took that one. What one will you give up? The staff of magic or the shield of defense?What one do you think? Staff. I walked on the platform and suddenly some weird black muck appeared and I sunk into it deeper and deeper… When I woke up I was a similar platform. Suddenly two baby sized bugs (all black) appeared. The voice, Use the sword. Yeah, sure, one problem, after I chose it, it disappeared. “Uh, how? Just call it?” I said sarcastically, “Or just tell the weapon fairy I need my sword back?” It didn’t matter, because it appeared in my hand. Use it! I did. It was pretty fun, slashing and stuff. I had always wanted a sword. Behind you! SLASH. Some purple goop splashed out of the…thing. There was a spotlight on the middle of the platform. The closer to the light the bigger the shadow. I turned around slowly. My shadow rose out of the ground morphed to be large and different, to put it bluntly. Fight it. And I did, he kept slamming his fist into the platform, the bugs would appear and he would push me with his pinky, which was very large. Eventually he wore me out. I backed away panting, he stopped attacking and the goop reappeared. I sank into it and the platform started shaking. Don’t worry, you have the gift. I could tell it felt the same vibration because the voice was shaking. So don’t worry, you’ll survive your journey. Yeah, very cheerful, yeah, thanks. I couldn’t breathe, I sank deeper and deeper. Don’t forget, you have the gift. The door to your destiny soon will open. The shaking had stopped, and everything went black.

* * *

“Get up! Hello? Wake UP!” I felt a sharp pain on my forehead. “AHHH! I’m up! What?” I said. “Finally your up. God, you’re a heavy sleeper. You know how many times I had to drop this log on your head before you woke up?” said Ian. “Huh? You dropped a log on my head?” I rolled over and saw a log on the sand by my head. “Ow,” I grabbed my forehead. “Are you even gonna help with the shelter?” Ian asked. Maybe I should explain a little. We, me, Ian and Krysta, had been on a boat during a hurricane (if you think we're stupid imagine how I feel) and we washed up on this island, now we were making a shelter. Luckily the island had many trees. And we had made our own tools. “Yeah, yeah let me just go back in the cave and grab a sharp rock,” I said groggily. I went to the cave, under a tree. I walked to the large cave and looked around, for the first time I noticed a surfboard-like thing in the back of the cave. “Huh?” I said, or maybe I thought it, I’m not sure. I tapped it with my knuckle, it sounded hollow. I tugged on it, it didn’t budge. I decided to leave for the moment. I found a rock and went outside. “Alright I’m ready. How about you guys?” I said. “Yeah, we’re ready.” Krysta said, “Do you always have to be the ‘leader’ Garrett?” “Sorry, it’s just how I am,” I explained, “and probably always will be,” We got to work, I started on the walls. After a couple of hours we decided it was quitting time. “It’s getting dark guys, we should turn in,” I said. “Alright, sounds good to me,” Krysta said, relived. “Sure, I can hardly see my rock anyway,” said Ian. I got in my boat and went to my island. The island is made up of a couple of small isles and one big land mass. Krysta needed privacy, Ian needed room, and I didn’t care either way. That night I woke up to a start. It was raining. Oh no, that only meant on thing. A storm.

Chapter 2

Cab to the next dimension please?

I got in my boat and paddled furiously toward the isle. When I got there I saw Ian’s and Krysta’s boat at the man-made dock. I got out of the boat and headed toward the shelter. The bugs from my dream were everywhere. They seemed not to care about me. I went to the cave. “Krysta? Ian? Where are you guys?” I shouted above the storm. “Hello?”
“Foolish child.”
“Huh? Where are you? Show yourself!” I said.
“You don’t understand, do you?”
“I understand you’re a freak stalker,” I said “Does that count?” Even in weird things like this I tried to inject humor.
“Shut up, do you want to know where your friends are?”
“Uh, yeah, kinda, just a little,” I said sarcastically.
“Then look into the sky-“
“Uh, you realize we’re in a cave, right?” I said.
“Once you leave look into the sky, you’ll see a dark ball. Go toward it.”
“Okay, yeah, I have no better lead.” I left. I ran to the ball in the sky. Under it I saw Ian. “Ian!” I said relived “Where’s Krysta?” He just pointed at the ball. Looking at it I realized the wind was coming from it, or, to it, more accurately. all the debris from are shelter was being sucked into it. Suddenly I got the feeling I was sinking. I looked down to see the dark goo from my dream. I started sinking, so did Ian. He just stood there like he knew that it was going to happen. I struggled and squirmed trying to get out. “Just accept the darkness Garrett.” Ian said calmly. I kept trying to get out; we were both up to our necks in the goo. I lost sight of Ian. I found myself standing in the same spot as before, except now I was holding the Sword. The bugs suddenly swarmed me, millions and millions of them. “Ah!” I yelled slashing randomly, trying to get them off me. And just as suddenly as they appeared they were gone. I looked around, nearly half the island had been eaten the cloud of darkness drifting above my head. My feet left the ground. “What the...?” I rose higher and higher, closer and closer to the cloud thing. I went into it and then… nothing.

Chapter three

An unknown dimension

I woke up groggily and looked around. I was in a brightly light town. It looked like it was night, but with al the lights it was hard to tell. I got up and walked around a little. It was big but mostly deserted. There were some people but they seemed like they were scared of something. I saw a kid who was exploring, like me. I asked him how he got here. “Well it was weird, you probably won’t believe me.” He said. “Trust me I’ve seen weird things, I’ll believe anything.” I replied. As it turned out he got here the same way I did, a dark ball crumbling the world. Except he didn’t have a sword, which I couldn’t find at the moment. I asked around to see if anyone had seen Ian and Krysta, but no one remembered seeing anyone new in a while. I went to the more deserted parts of town. The bugs were there too, but my sword appeared and I fought them off. It was getting easy now that I had had the sword for a short while. I returned to the plaza, which I had found most of the people. No one was out. In the distance I heard a bell ring. Bong! Bong! Bong! There was a rumbling. I turned around, and there was a giant bear-like thing. And bears are big enough without being super charged. “Oh shit” The bear lounged and I dove out of the way. Its claw got my shoe and a little of my heel. I slashed at its foot nearly cutting it clean off. Whoa I thought either this sword is powerful or I’m just really good at this. The bear roared and got on its feet. I nearly stepped on me! That was scary. I jumped somehow flying all the way to the bears head. Slash! His head fell off. “Uh grooooooossss…” I said ”yeah, I’m just gonna leave that there…” I ran back to the town square, and the sword disappeared. I went to a nearby hotel, which had a lot of people in it. I thought I heard something so I went outside. There was a guy with some sort of bb gun. “They’re gonna keep following you.” The person said.
“Great, another creepy stalker. Am I in a movie or reality TV show I don’t know about?” I asked. “Cause this is really getting old. What are “They” anyway?”
“Those bugs,” He said, “they’re called dark pawns. There are much more powerful ones.”
"Wait, like that bear when the bell rang?”
“Yeah, how did you know about him?” I showed him my sword, which still had bear guts on it.
“Oh my God, that’s just plain wrong.” He said.
“Yeah I know,” I shivered, “What were we doing now?”
“Um… AH! I remember now. Give me the sword.” He demanded. (side note: sorry I keep saying him it’s just I don’t know his name.”
“What?! Why would I do that?” I exclaimed.
“It’s for your own safety…” he explained. I’m not going to tell the rest because it’s long and boring. That’s why I fell asleep. :) “…And that’s why you should give me the sword,” he finished, five hours later.
“Wow. No dark thingies attacked me for five hours straight… that’s a new record for me.” I said excitedly.
“How old are you again? I mean seriously, ‘thingy’? This is great, the fate of the universe, in this kids hands.”
“Hey shut up…WHAT IS YOUR NAME?! god, do you know who frickin’ hard it is to have a conversation with a guy who’s name I don’t know?!” I said angrily.
“Isaac”
Then he shot me. YAY! Oh… wait… that’s not a good thing. Oh crap…

Chapter 4

Ian?

I woke up in a strange room on a bed that was really soft. “Finally your up, how do you make the sword dissappear?” Isaac said. “Like this,” I jumped off the bed grabbed the sword and poofed away. “Crap, I should have seen that coming. The boss is gonna be ticked,” Isaac said worriedly.

* * *

Sweet, I’m getting better at this. I thought. “Except where the heck am I?” I said aloud. “Garrett? Is that you?” “Huh?” I looked around. “Ian?!?!?” He started running toward me when he got mobbed by dark pawns. “IAN!” I yelled racing toward him. I killed all the pawns. But where was Ian? “Ian?” I yelled. “IAN?” No answer. Great… now what? I headed back to town square. I need to find a way to other dimensions. I thought Krysta and Ian could be anywhere in the universe. I suddenly realize I am not on the ground. I am in space, I can breathe. What’s going on? Think of a universe. Hey! It was the voice from the dream! You’ll go there. Unfortunately I didn’t know the names of any dimensions. Then, I did. Dimension of darkness! WOOOOOOSH! I could barely see. Though, oddly I was glowing. “Whoa.” I said, amazed. I walked around. Suddenly I was swarmed. Giant Dark Pawns everywhere. I fought. Slashing randomly, stabbing, swinging. It wasn’t enough. Darkness, pain, creatures. Then I realized something, they didn’t have a heartbeat. “You heartless jerks.” I smiled, and slipped out of consciousness.

***

When I woke up I was strapped to something cold and hard. I couldn’t see anything. My sword was gone. I strained my ears listening for life. I didn’t hear anything. I fell asleep. I didn’t remember closing my eyes. But it was so dark it didn’t make a difference. I heard footsteps. “Don’t worry Garrett, I’ll get you out in no time.” Isaac! “I thought you were a bad guy?” I whispered. “Nope, I’m on your side,” He said. “Then why did you shoot me?” I asked. “It was only a knockout dart.” He finally got me out. I rubbed my wrists, they were really red. I think the straps were too tight and cut off circulation to my hand. In other words, my hands fell asleep. “Wait a minute, how did you get here?” I questioned, because I used some ancient power thing to get there. I think. I don’t know honestly… “Don’t worry about it, Kid.” Isaac said, annoyed. That made me a little mad but, oh well, He deserves his privacy. “AH!” I exclaimed when a sharp object hit me in the back. I suddenly felt sleepy, I looked at Isaac. He was slumped on the floor, with a dart in his back. I fell to my knees and passed out.

Chapter 5

The Island!

I woke up on a beach. I sat up and looked around. Where’s Isaac? Oh well. I stood up.

Virus's to look out for

Champ585 — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 14:35:27 CDT

APPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus v 2.0 - Now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature's computers.

AT&T VIRUS - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Bill Clinton Virus v 1.0 - It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.

Bill Clinton Virus v 2.0 - It tells you it's executing any program you want, whether or not it's on your computer.

Bill Clinton Virus v 3.0 - Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.

Bill Clinton Virus v 4.0 - Mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton Virus v 5.0- Promises to give equal time to all processes- 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This Virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Bill Clinton virus v 6.0 - Automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser's list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections...to any URL...because since it didn't transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn't really connected.

BILL GATES VIRUS - This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.

Bin Laden (aka Al Qaeda) virus - displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George W. Bush virus.

Birthday Virus - Keeps advancing your clock by another year.

BOB DOLE VIRUS - Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CHILD VIRUS - It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 1.0 - It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Congressional Virus v 2.0 - Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus v 3.0 - Overdraws your disk space.

Couch Potato Virus - Just sits there, eating chips all day.

DEMOCRAT VIRUS - Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".

DIET VIRUS - Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

DONALD TRUMP VIRUS - Harmless unless you use online banking.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS v 1.0 - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Ellen Degeneres Virus v 2.0 - Disks can no longer be inserted.

Elvis Virus - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Federal Reserve Virus - Affects performance of CDs.

Firestone Viruses - Causes mouse to explode after 10,000 miles. Flying toasters actually fly off your screen saver. Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

Freudian Virus - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

French virus - garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, "I surrender!" and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French,

Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George W. Bush virus, slowing it down.

Gallup Poll Virus - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

George W. Bush virus v 1.0 - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

George W. Bush virus v 2.0 - Tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange.

GERALDO RIVERA VIRUS - Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Gridlock Virus - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

Hillary Clinton virus v 2.0 - sets the "hidden" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008.

HOWARD STERN VIRUS - One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.

HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

IRS Audit Virus - It comes in with very little warning, digs through all your files then sells all your worldly possessions on Ebay, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

Jerry Springer Virus - Appears on your screen and says it has something to tell you and you may not like it.

Jesse Jackson virus - warns you repeatedly not to reproduce illegitimate files, but meanwhile, it's reproducing illegitimate files in the background. And if you don't have a color monitor displaying 32-bit true color, it floods your screen with icons and threatens to shut down your computer.

Jiminy Cricket Virus - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.

Johnny Cochran Virus - (Often accompanied by one or more of the O.J. Viruses.) If it has no RISC, you must FDISK.

Joke Virus - poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Kafka Virus - Your operating system gradually metamorphosizes into a big hairy bug.

Ken Starr Virus v 1.0 - Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

KEN STARR VIRUS v 2.0 - Developed in early 1990's at considerable government expense. Claims to be working on one task but can quickly switch functions when the first process bogs down. Only operates on US government computers at this time. Tends to diminish effectiveness of more important programs by hogging most CPU cycles with infinite loops.

Kevorkian Virus - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

LAPD Virus - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

Left-Wing-Drivel Virus - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.

Linux Virus - Causes the computer to hang for several days while it tracks down hardware drivers, networking how-to's, and window managers. Then it quits, saying that if you had better programming skills, your hard drive would be wiped by now.

MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.

Mario Cuomo Virus - It would be a great Virus, but it refuses to run.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

MCI Virus v 1.0 - Encourages you to send it to your friends and family.

MCI VIRUS v 1.0 - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Michael Jackson Virus v 1.0 - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 2.0 - It preys on child processors.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 3.0 - It's BAD. Computer freaks out when you put flame or Pepsi next to it. Some people think it's identical to the Latoya Jackson virus because they have both never been seen together.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.

MILITIA VIRUS - Wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.

Mom Virus - Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website.

Monica Lewinsky Virus v 1.0 - It sucks the juice out of your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails everyone about what it did. This later activates the Independent Counsel virus.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS v 2.0 - A low level virus that enters restricted parts of your file system 36 times yet there's no record of its activity. When it runs, it has no improper relationship with your computer's executive software yet its effectiveness is somehow diminished.

MORAL MAJORITY VIRUS - This modest virus claimed great influence in the 1980's, but fell behind in features and upgrades and was finally abandoned by it's developers.

MTV's "The Real World" Virus - Replaces your default Windows sounds with excruciating Gen-X whining and bitching.

NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN (NOW) VIRUS - Forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.

NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO VIRUS - This virus design used to be quite influential and innovative when it's original release was publicly funded. After Government funding cuts yanked it's teeth, the designers sold out to corporate interests and it no longer affects your data much.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS - Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

NEWT GINGRICH VIRUS - It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the 'Right' partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the 'left' partition, it terminates and restarts to continue its work as a background process.

NIKE VIRUS - Just does it.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS v 1.0 - It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

O.J. Simpson Virus v 2.0 (Often accompanied by the Johnny Cochran Virus.) – You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan Virus v 1.0 - Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS v 2.0 - Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.

Pat Buchanan Virus v 3.0 - Splits an otherwise healthy hard drive into two meaningless parts. Don't worry -- it affects less than 1% of computers and isn't likely to spread at all.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

Pokemon Virus - Sucks up all your money and only renders 3rd rate animation.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 1.0 - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 2.0 - Rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".
Ponzi Virus - It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers $1 into the accounts of the owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches itself to the next 10 items of mail you send.

POPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS - Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.

Pornography Virus - Consumes all available hard drive space, but leaves the computer's owner with a warm sense of contented well-being.

PRO-CHOICE VIRUS - Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.

Prozac Virus - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Public Transportation Virus - Makes your browser stop at every website.

Quantum Leap Virus - One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo.

Ralph Nader Virus - Not harmful per se, but perfectly willing to let your system crash just to "teach you a lesson."

Regis Philbin Virus - Will not complete display of algorithm results until CPU confirms that's its final answer.

REPUBLICAN VIRUS - Sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.

Richard Nixon Virus - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Popular in China.

RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS - Deletes FAT table.

Right to Life Virus v 1.0 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. Prints, “Oh, no, you don't!”, whenever you choose Abort from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Right-To-Life Virus v 2.0 - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

Right-Wing-Hardliner Virus - Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps
saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS - Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.

David Duke Virus - Makes your screen go completely white.

RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS v 1.0 - Probably the most dangerous virus we've ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, than eats them. It's so stupid you don't take it seriously until it's too late.

RUSH LIMBOUGH VIRUS v 2.0 - This virus produces an amplified, continuous, babbling sound in Dolby Stereo as it grows to fill all available space on your hard disk. Fortunately, its virulence is low as it has difficulty finding willing code fragments that will support its replication.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS v 1.0 - This virus, first developed in the software labs of Western democracies, attacks its closest neighbors first and then fragments to hide it's most virulent components in the hidden folders of your disk drive. As a defense mechanism, it claims that commercial virus detection software insults its national dignity.

Saddam Hussein Virus v 2.0 - Won't let you into any of your programs.

Saddam Hussein virus v 3.0 - spawned other viruses and was believed to create
Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD). Some of the spawned viruses are still in existence but are gradually being eradicated by the George W. Bush virus. PMDs spawned by the Saddam Hussein virus, if they exist, have yet to be found because they have the "hidden" attribute set. The Saddam Hussein virus wasn't seen for a long time because of the rapid spread of the George Bush virus. At the end of 2003, the George Bush virus found every instance of the Saddam Hussein virus, which was discovered to have mutated into a harmless, ugly graphic hiding in the Trash/Recycle Bin.

SEARS VIRUS - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

SHARON STONE VIRUS - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Slacker Virus - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.

SONNY BONO VIRUS - Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Sprint Virus - Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping.

STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Stephen King Virus - It wipes a fifth of your hard drive, then tells you that if enough people send in a dollar, it will destroy the rest in some surprising, exciting way.

Survivor Viruses - Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.

Tech Stock Virus - At the slightest hint of an error, plays a screaming panic sound and shuts down your computer.

TED KENNEDY VIRUS - It drives your files into the bitstream, crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.

TED TURNER VIRUS - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TEENAGER VIRUS - Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.

TEXAS VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Tiger Woods Viruses - Assumes pre-eminence over other applications, which are left to operate at consistently humiliating performance levels. Beats you in every computer game you play.

TIM ALLEN VIRUS - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Tipper Gore Virus - When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

Titanic Virus - Makes your whole computer go down. You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.

TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS - It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.

Tonya Harding Viruses - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. Your
CD-ROM drive randomly ejects in an attempt to bash your knee.

U.N. virus - Annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options "OK,
Cancel, Ignore." Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything.

Viagra Virus - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure
on your zip drive. Turns your 3.5" floppy into a hard drive.

WARREN BEATTY VIRUS - Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

Wonderbra Virus - Results in overflow stack.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS - Bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.

X-FILES VIRUS - All your icons start shape-shifting.
=====================================================
Listed below are some older, lessor known viruses that still pose a threat:
=================================================================

ALLEN GINSBURG VIRUS - Seemed to come from nowhere. Extremely virulent, yet
ineffectual. Attempts to invade all file systems of worldwide media organizations at once. Generates copious, conflicting press reports via an advanced randomly-parsing syntax generator developed by California hackers. Frequently found to have infiltrated expensive Washington restaurants.

Anita Hill Virus - Lies dormant for ten years.

BARBARA BUSH VIRUS - One of the ugliest viruses we've seen in years, but
seems to have a nice disposition and does little damage.

Billy Graham Virus - When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.
Chicago Cubs Virus - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it!

COLIN POWELL VIRUS - Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS v 1.0 - Thers sumthin rong wit yur kompueter, butt ewe jsut cant figyour out watt.

Dan Quayle Virus v 2.0 - Forces your computer to play "PGA TOUR" from 10-00am to 4-00pm six days a week.

GEORGE BUSH (Sr.) VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, 'Read my docs....No new files!' on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

Gray Davis virus - caused computer programs throughout California to require more computer resources (memory, hard disk space, network bandwidth, etc.) than were available, even though the state's computer resources had increased significantly. The result was monumental havoc and a great outcry by the populace. The Gray Davis virus has not been seen since the appearance of the Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.

Hans Blix virus - is a derivative of the U.N. virus. It tells you it's going to inspect your computer for viruses, but then it just creates all sorts of text files filled with bureaucratic drivel, all the while displaying messages saying it needs more time. It never finds any viruses. The quickest cure for this virus is the George Bush virus.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS v 1.0 - Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through AOL.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS v 2.0 - After depleting your bank account, returns to infect you again! Little footprints appear all over your screen, blocking out information. Unlimited shoe styles.

JIMMY SWAGGERT VIRUS - When caught, it begs for your forgiveness and to be released.

JOEY BUTTAFUACO VIRUS - It only enters minor files.

KITTY KELLEY VIRUS - A particularly nasty infection. It locates your personal files, activates your modem and spreads the dirt around to all the BBS's you usually call. Embarrassing.

LEONA HELMSLEY VIRUS - Deletes files smaller than it is.

Marcia Clark Virus - Asks for more time every time you give a command.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - It turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.. . then discards it through Windows.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS #2 - Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS v 1.0 - Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS v 2.0 - Plays patriotic audio clips while it shreds your files.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

RODNEY KING VIRUS - Just sits there, but when it is detected you'd swear the virus scanner was demolishing your entire system.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS v 1.0- It puts your hard drive to sleep. If detected, it claims it doesn't remember being there.

Ronald Reagan Virus v 2.0 - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

ROSANNE BARR VIRUS - Plays the National Anthem at boot-up. Even worse with a sound card.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS v 1.0 - Runs for awhile, leaves the system, then re-appears, but with less effect.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS v 2.0 - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS v 3.0 - After several years, the damage caused by this little virus is still unclear. It often displays impressive graphics which have little relevance to the users interests or needs.

SUPREME COURT VIRUS - It allows your system to abort files, with major
restrictions.

THE PRISON VIRUS - It locks up your system.

TIP O'NEIL VIRUS - It sits in the background, consuming bytes until it's too
fat to exit.

Tom Daschle virus - blocks your computer from doing anything right.

Uday (aka Odai) and Qusay (aka Qusai) viruses - Were mutations of the Saddam Hussein virus. Both of these viruses destroyed files, but the Uday virus also displayed pornographic images. Both of these viruses were completely eliminated by the spread of the George W. Bush virus.

Warren Commission Virus - Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

WATERGATE VIRUS - Erases 18 minutes off your tape backup.

WILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH VIRUS - It strips your files, manipulates your data
and denies anything ever happened; and gets away with it